Dear Friends,
Last night, December 21 at 11:40, our dear friend and long-time sangha-mate, Steve Milligan, stopped breathing. Steve had cancer; it kept sapping his strength and wouldn’t be turned back. He died a very quiet death, at age 73, at home with hospice care and with his wife, Christina Martinez, and his son Michael right there. His brother, Terry, and Terry’s wife, Rose, had also been close by.
Steve’s mother had also died on the winter solstice, years ago—and as Steve had expressed a desire not to linger once his death was certain, this timing may have been as good as it could be.
Last Sunday, some eight or nine sangha members offered a sutra service for Steve outside the room where he was resting, masked and distanced and not very loud. Eight or nine others held a service via Zoom at the same time. I was also able to visit for a bit on Monday afternoon, to sit a while next to his quietly breathing presence and say a few things. He seemed not at all restless or uncomfortable.
On Monday evening, we held our Open Source Solstice Ceremony online. In this ritual celebrating the beauty and power of both dark and light, and of their necessary interplay in our lives, many of us felt close to Steve and what he might be going through. And in a guided meditation of releasing a body layer by layer, letting it reassemble as light, and then letting that light radiate all around and finally settle in the belly of a mountain-body, some felt they were doing so right alongside Steve. He died just a few hours later.
Steve was loved by many people. Friends are beginning to post pictures and appreciations on Facebook (I think we’ll hear a lot of stories that start with “You were there for me when”….), stories of Steve’s generosity, his lightning-quick wit, his uncompromising inquiry and his unfailing kindness. There will be an obituary, which we’ll send to you, and a service, but we don’t know when or how.
In the meantime, though, you are invited to accompany Steve a little on his journey, in ways we can from our positions on this side of the veil, fully in life. You may do this simply by thinking of him, shedding some tears, laughing with memories of his humor, telling stories, sending love.
Our Buddhist tradition also offers some more formal ways of supporting him, from here, as he makes his way beyond this life. This seems like a good time to mention these, as you may want to do some, and you may want them again sometime. Joan Sutherland, Roshi has compiled and presented some of these and other rituals and ceremonies in a manual, available here:
https://joansutherlanddharmaworks.org/Detailed/177.html .
For now, though, here’s a relevant selection. It’s been my experience that performing these rituals does not require me to subscribe to some set of beliefs I don’t share. The rituals carry the power of love, and that’s all the power they need. They may help Steve, and they do help us.
Here you go:
For three days, keep a candle and incense lit on your altar, along with a photo of Steve.
Chant the Guanyin Sutra of Endless Life as much as possible, to help him cross into the death bardo. After a time, his presence will be less vivid as they enter the death bardo. This is the stage of resting in deepest samadhi, and it can be very peaceful and full of love.
After some more time has passed, he will cross over into the after-death bardo where a real sense of journeying begins. Sometimes it’s possible to travel for awhile with a person, but this should be done carefully, with the awareness that at a certain point it’s necessary to turn around and come back to ordinary consciousness.
For company while you chant: a link to Vast Refuge chanting the Guanyin Sutra of Endless Life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFVyneTKns4
You might also find other sutras offering themselves, and if so, chant away! Chanting the Prajna Paramita Mantra can be very strong at this time, for example.
Gate gate paragate
Parasamgate
Bodhi Swaha!
These sutras can be found in our Open Source sutra book here: https://joansutherlanddharmaworks.org/Home/Practice_Resources/index.html
If during this time you find yourself struggling with your own grief, reach out. Take a walk with someone, write notes, sing together, share memories. And rest.
May you know yourself held by the compassionate arms of this very life that is yours,
and may you be well.
Sarah Bender, Roshi